First, a short (and brutal) answer to the question. The answer is No.In almost every case, you cannot stop a divorce by yourself if your spouse is determined to get one.
You can slow down the divorce. You can make it hurt more. You can make it cost more. But the nature of "Irreconcilable Differences" in a divorce in most cases is that a spouse who's absolutely determined to divorce can make it happen even over his or her spouse's objections.
So what choices do you have? You have the informal power of persuasion. And precisely because you can slow down the divorce, you can make it more painful, and you can make it more expensive, you may have more options than you realize.
Divorce has all kinds of disadvantages, so it's not to be entered into lightly. The key is that you do have alternatives to divorce, alternatives that in many cases may respond to your real needs better than a divorce would.
Disadvantages of Divorce
Here's a quick list of the disadvantages of divorce:
I know your first reaction when I say this: "Duh, Lee!" But hear me out. Or better still, hear Larry describe his life two and a half years after his simple uncontested divorce from Allison:
| Larry & Allison
"We both moved on. She returned to East London. I got very involved (buried) in my work.
"Now when I talk to her, she is very busy and constantly on the move. I go to work or sit at home, alone. For the last two weeks now, I put on my wedding ring when I go to bed. I've been listening to country music (I CAN'T STAND COUNTRY MUSIC, but she loved it.) I can't stop thinking about getting back together. I REALLY miss her. But she is busy and always doing
something.
"I don't know what I'm going to do, but I wanted to let you know, and others that no matter how sure of your feelings, you should at least attempt counseling. If you don't, you will always have the thought in the back of your head that you may have thrown away the best thing in your life and not even bothered to see if it should have been thrown
away."
Larry |
Although, not every divorce has to cost R50,000 and drag on for months of wrangling, conflict, and painful betrayal, the fact is that some do. And even if you take control of your divorce the way Divorce Info encourages and keep conflict, pain, and cost to a minimum, you'll still spend several hundred Rand to get divorced. You can find out more about the cost of divorce, if
you want to.
We all know this in our minds, but it takes going through divorce to know in your gut just how painful divorce is. Imagine whatever adjectives you wish. Chances are they don't adequately describe the deep, searing, pain that comes from tearing a relationship at the same time that you adapt to the many other changes in your life that often flow from divorce.
During divorce, you will likely feel things, think things, say things, and do things that you would never feel, think, say, or do during any other time of your life; that's why people call divorce "Crazy Time."
No question about it, Divorce Stinks.
Divorce usually results in two households where there was one household before. And since most people don't have extra money lying around for living expenses, it usually means two households living on the same money that supported one household before. And that means that at least one of you, probably both of you, will be living on a lower standard after you divorce than
you have in the past. You'll most likely need to watch your budget like never before.
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To Your Success
Keith Skelton
Keith SG Skelton
Financial life Planner/Mediator
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Aside from the obvious change in your relationship with your spouse and members of your spouse's family, divorce often means changes in your relationships with other people as well.
It's a rare divorcing couple who doesn't report that at least some of their friends take sides in the divorce, meaning that some of the people you have considered friends for years may now view you as wrong or evil. Also, we know from research that divorced people themselves tend to change their relationships. They tend to spend less time with their married friends and more
time with other single people, primarily divorced people.
You probably already know how your church or synagogue will react to news that you are divorcing, but if you don't know, you should ask your minister, your rabbi, or your priest. Churches and synagogues are likely to react to your divorce like other individuals and organizations. That is, their reaction to you and your divorce will likely turn on how they perceive divorce
in general, and to what extent they think you caused the divorce.
You probably already know that, by and large, children of divorced parents are more likely than other children to suffer one or more of several difficulties, including depression, delinquency, low school performance, and social problems. The key question, of course, is whether these problems stem from the divorce or from other factors that tend to show up often with
divorce.
We don't have a clear-cut answer.
The little bit of research that attempts to isolate this question indicates that there are some factors at home that are bad enough that unless they can be eliminated, a divorce might be better for the children. These include violence against the children or the spouse, continuing and open substance abuse, recurring inappropriate expressions of anger (like constant yelling
or destruction of property), and continuous involvement of the children in the conflict between Mom and Dad.
In the absence of one of these factors, however, research indicates that children of intact but unhappy homes are on average happier and better adjusted than children whose parents have divorced. This is true even when parents make all the right decisions to help their children through divorce.
New, groundbreaking research shows that, like it or not:
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Divorce isn't just a short-term crisis for children. It's a long-term threat to their academic performance, their ability to commit to relationships, and their mental health.
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Parenting after divorce continues to be a challenge for decades after the divorce decree is signed.
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The relationship between the children of divorce and their parents, particularly between children and their fathers, is likely to be worse than in families that remain together.
Don't Announce To The World
Don't Announce it to the world when we are hurt. Our natural response is to "rally the troops." I would suggest that this could be quite destructive. Telling family and friends that there is a problem changes how those people will think about your spouse or partner. The people you would tell are those who will feel a need to support and
protect you.
Learn more..!
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Divorce Mediation is Voluntary.
That open and free exchange of information frees up both spouses to negotiate
with each other in confidence. Because both spouses are working with the same
base of information, it usually takes far less time to negotiate a resolution
that
makes sense to both spouses. It continues only for so long as all three of you -
you, your spouse, and the mediator -- want it to! Your mediator has to have a
good reason to withdraw. You or your spouse can withdraw from mediation at any
time, for a good reason, a bad reason, or no reason at all!
People often ask, "Does mediation really work?" In a word, YES!. We know from years of research that when you compare couples who have mediated their divorce with couples who go through an “adversarial divorce”, Mediating couples are more likely to be satisfied with the process and the results, likely to take less time and
spend less money, and are less likely to go back to court later to fight about something.
The main advantage of mediation is that it keeps you and your spouse in control of your own divorce. That can make all the difference in your recovering from your divorce and moving on with your life. Mediation allows the two of you to get through your divorce with less conflict than you would experience in an adversarial divorce.
Because mediation is all about working with shared knowledge, mediation also often allows you and your spouse to work together to lower your tax bill . . . and that can often translate to more money for you.
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| Divorce stinks-
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