The first thing you need to do is to take a deep breath. Don't Panic This is number one for a simple reason:it's so common and so destructive.You may be gripped with terror as soon as you hear that your spouse or partner does not want to be in the relationship.
That reaction is entirely understandable . . . and entirely unhelpful.Here's why:when you hit panic mode, a very primitive part of your brain takes over.
It has two options, flight or fight. Neither is very helpful.
If you find yourself gripped by the fight instinct, you will argue, cajole, fuss about, and continue to exacerbate the
situation. If you are gripped by the flight instinct, you may flee the situation, may retreat to alcohol or some other destructive distraction, or just decide to move out.
Unfortunately, when there is a threat to us, we automatically go into one of these two
modes. So, take a deep breath, step back from the situation, and let reason be your guide.
Think about it. Last year in the South Africa alone, there were more than 50,000 divorces. That's 100,000 people plus Children! who have gone through this recently and have lived to tell the tale. They, got through it!
So can you!
Now take another deep breath. See? You'll make it okay friend! Now, let's get started.
You may already be imagining the end of your relationship. But I am here to tell you that I have story after story of people who have moved from having a relationship that seemed headed over the cliff to a relationship to be treasured.
Take some time to think about what is going on. Sometimes, a spouse or partner saying that the relationship is at an end can be an opportunity for rebirth of the relationship. At least at this point, you know that things can't continue the way they have been. There must be a change. This can be a good thing. It can be a wake-up call
Don't Run To The Attorney Okay, let me be clear about this one: don't run to the attorney to begin divorce or separation proceedings. However, you may be well-advised to speak with an attorney about what you may need to do to protect yourself!
These are two very different reactions. Believe it or not, I have seen many divorces where neither want to be divorced, but one or the other started a legal process that locked them into a battle.
When you look at a legal document, and the word separating the parties is "versus," there is a reason for this. Legal processes, by their nature, pit one against the other.
Attorneys are excellent at what they do. They protect their client's interests. But in doing so, the process can create a huge amount of animosity. Once the process begins, there is a natural process that pushes the couple apart. And unfortunately, there is little that can be done to cushion this process.
People often start the process because they feel like they better, before the other gets an upper hand. But often, this jumps the gun. In fact, it is often more a result of the point in above.......someone is panicking!!
Yet many separations end up in recommitment. Lots of marriages have been through separations. Many threats to leave, divorce, or separate end with a couple together and happy.
As I have always said to couples: you can always go and Start Proceedings later. It is much harder to STOP the DIVORCE!
So, if at all possible, hold off on legal processes.
As you get more knowledgeable about the PROCESS, you'll begin gathering information about the main issues of your divorce. This will include your property division, what arrangements to make for your children if you have them, and what sort of child support or alimony is appropriate in your case. We'll work through this together!
How often, have I heard someone cry: "just tell me what to do. I'll do anything to keep you." Unfortunately, there are two problems with this approach.
First, it makes you appear, bluntly, spineless and pitiful. You will likely lose the other person's respect, because you cannot suddenly transform yourself, and because offering to do so only shows how little you think of yourself.
Besides, you are fine the way you are. The problem is in the relationship, not in you. So, don't be pitiful in the other person's view.
Second, trying to change means that you cannot be true to yourself. Instead, you give away your self. You are basically being dishonest. And in the end, regardless of where things end up in your relationship, you need to look yourself in the mirror and like whom you see looking back. You don't want to look in and see someone you don't recognise
Terry Savage:
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That open and free exchange of information frees up both spouses to negotiate
with each other in confidence. Because both spouses are working with the same
base of information, it usually takes far less time to negotiate a resolution
that
makes sense to both spouses. It continues only for so long as all three of you -
you, your spouse, and the mediator -- want it to! Your mediator has to have a
good reason to withdraw. You or your spouse can withdraw from mediation at any
time, for a good reason, a bad reason, or no reason at all!
People often ask, "Does mediation really work?" In a word, YES!. We know from years of research that when you compare couples who have mediated their divorce with couples who go through an “adversarial divorce”, Mediating couples are more likely to be satisfied with the process and the results, likely to take less time and
spend less money, and are less likely to go back to court later to fight about something.
The main advantage of mediation is that it keeps you and your spouse in control of your own divorce. That can make all the difference in your recovering from your divorce and moving on with your life. Mediation allows the two of you to get through your divorce with less conflict than you would experience in an adversarial divorce.
Because mediation is all about working with shared knowledge, mediation also often allows you and your spouse to work together to lower your tax bill . . . and that can often translate to more money for you.
